Index brainstorms alternate ways to fix OASD finances

      With April just around the corner, the telltale signs of spring are budding in Oshkosh: the snow is melting, the temperatures are rising, and the school district is teetering on the edge of utter catastrophe. On February 8, the School Board released its annual list of budget cuts, a fairly hellish top-ten list that includes only allowing students to take six classes and combining the North and West football, soccer, and cross country teams. With all the doomsday rhetoric surrounding the April 1 referendum to raise property taxes and dodge the cuts, the Index staff thought we would offer some alternative moneymaking measures that put the “fun” in “financial ruin”. 
      1. Electricity is expensive, so hook Mr. Britton up to a generator and let him power the schools with his superhuman energy stores. The AP train stops for no budget deficit. 
      2. Replace all Central Office staff members with Government & Politics students – a double win for the district, saving on administrator salaries and giving kids some real-world experience. Besides, Dave Mathers is already on the board, and he apparently hasn’t messed anything up too badly yet.
       3. Rent out the SmartBoard fleet to our neighbors at Evergreen, who have been complaining about the teeny-tiny print on their computer boxes. 
      4. Produce and sell a line of “Mack the Knife” instructional videos, in which our illustriously mustachioed superintendent teaches viewers either cooking skills or knife-tossing techniques. Preferably both.
      5. Instead of burning money on those sickly, health-insurance-demanding teachers, let Siri teach all the classes. An iPad is cheaper than a human being, and always knows the answer (unless you speak with an accent, but that’s your problem). 
      6. Pull a Russia and invade Omro. 
      7. Give those students studying forensics and anatomy and physiology some hands on experiences. The study halls are filled with sleepy students, correct? There is a certain market - black though it be - for “donated” organs. We are sure that the somnolescent  study hall denizens would be more than happy to sacrifice for a good cause....
      8. Rather than giving students pricey, fragile instruments for band and orchestra, let them play the iPad app of their choice. Who needs that bulky tuba when you can fit a nine-inch piano, virtual triangle, and Zelda-style ocarina in your backpack? 
      9. Those tunnels seem like an awful lot of wasted real estate, so let’s throw some glow sticks and a DJ down there and open them up for raves at night. The ghosts will only add to the trippiness.
      10. Use goats to mow the courtyards. This was a brilliant idea when it was floated by the Board last year, and we have no idea why it didn’t pass. Besides the free labor, goats would give our school an exciting petting-zoo atmosphere and even supply dairy to the cafeteria. You can’t milk a custodian, folks.
      But in at least partial seriousness, the April Fool’s Day referendum is no joke. Seniors and held-back juniors, it’s time to exercise your fundamental right as an American citizen to complain loudly about the political climate – but go vote afterwards. The future of Omro may depend on it. 

By: Daphne Thompson 

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